Friday, December 23, 2011

End of an Era

The key to change... is to let go of fear.     -Rosanne Cash

Yesterday I quit my job.  It was a hard decision and one that I struggled with and put off finalizing for about two years.  Now the deed is done and I'm still not sure how I feel about it.

For the last nine years I worked as an independent consultant for a direct sales company specializing in easy to prepare gourmet food.  I built a team of 50+ consultants with about $250,000 in annual sales.  I enjoyed the products, the work, the interaction and the challenge...until I didn't. 

The fit just wasn't right anymore.  It took me a really long time to admit that.  I wanted to make things work.  I wanted to be able to just float along, let the paychecks come in without doing more than the minimum requirement of the job.  Admittedly, I liked getting a paycheck each month for doing five hours or less of work.  I wanted to continue to enjoy the social interactions that conferences and training provided even if I didn't really intend to do anything about the training I received.   I wanted things to stay the same.

Unfortunately, I was raised to feel very uncomfortable when my values and my actions are out of line.  My job was causing havoc between my values and actions.  As I learned in my counseling classes in college, change usually is caused by pain.  The discomfort of my actions finally exceeded my tolerance and I made a change. 

There was a lot of fear involved in delaying my decision.  I feared what people would think of my choice.  I feared what conclusions people would come to about me and about the company.  I feared a loss of personal worth.  I feared a loss of influence. I feared disappointing others.  I feared regret.  So many fears kept me frozen in place, even though I knew it was no longer my place. 

Today, I feel a sense of relief and a freedom from fear.  I know that I made a good choice for myself.  I know that it's time to end this era and move onto I'm not sure what.  I really have no idea what comes next but I know that it's going to be good.

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