The Next Big Thing

I have a lot of skills. I'm organized. I'm a great planner. I am able to remain calm under pressure. All these skills set me up to be the perfect multitasker. And for a long time I was. I took great pride in my ability to keep as many balls in the air as I could find. If you needed a job done I was your girl. Not only would I get it done, I'd get it done well and on time. Doesn't that sound wonderful?


For a long time I thought multitasking was an admirable lifestyle. Then I realized by taking on anything and everything I was letting too much go. I was rushing through each moment to get to the next. My attention was so fragmented that nothing I did received my full concentration. Not my family, not my friends, not myself, not God. I was living my life like a constant string of commercials, 30 second bursts of intense effort with very little substance.

I began to realize the value of longevity and selectivity. Rather than saying yes to every little thing I began to say yes only to the things that would bring value and were in line with my values. That began with being present for my family. I limited my computer time. (This area could still do with some more limits.) I began to stop what I was doing and look at my children when they spoke to me. I concentrated on what they were saying rather than on the list that ran on continuous play in my head. I sought them out to do things with me or so I could participate in their activities. I began reading aloud. I sat down with them for meals during the day rather than eating alone.

All these things may sound simple and they are. However, not doing them sends the message that anything and everything is more important than my children. If folding laundry or unloading the dishwasher is more important that what my child is saying or doing there's something off kilter. I don't mean that I can't ever do chores if my children are around. I'm saying that there are times when it is necessary and important to stop and really concentrate on the child at hand. As a born multitasker I didn't even realize the message I was sending and stopping cold turkey was, in my opinion, the best way to get control of the habits I'd developed. Now, I that I understand how important it is to do one thing at a time, I can sometimes talk and work but it's not the norm.

I've also realized that doing one job and finishing it has value and provides a sense of accomplishment. As a multitasker I often had lots of things going on at one time. I'd finish something and move right onto the next thing. There was no time to take pleasure in a job well done because the next job was already underway. My habit of layering responsibilities was robbing me of my joy in celebrating my accomplishments. Over the years, I've learned the importance of taking a moment to recognize and celebrate these achievements. No one else is going to do that for me. It take discipline to slow down and pay attention. This is especially true when other responsibilities are calling. However, even a moment to say to myself, "Wow, the laundry is all done. Nice work!" or "That lesson really went well." is so worthwhile.

There will always be the next big thing. It is important that I am now aware that not every big thing needs to be my big thing.

Fat Tuesday and Ash Wednesday

Last night we celebrated Fat Tuesday with just our family.  This is really different from our normal celebration with neighbors and friends.  Fat Tuesday is usually a production at our house.  This year it followed too closely after two birthdays, Valentine's Day and a five days of travel over President's Day weekend.  I decided it was better to remain sane and enjoy the day rather than pack in one more thing.
 
Family Fun magazine supplied me with some delicious recipes for the day. 
King Cake
Big Easy Shrimp Etouffee
We finished dinner off with chocolate fondue, strawberries, marshmallows and bananas.

In preparation for Lent I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I want to focus on during this season of sacrifice.  My husband commented a few weeks ago that my temper is quicker now than it has been in the past.  My first response to his observation was, predictably, anger and denial.  That was quickly followed by the thought that because he's around more often, this is the first time in two years that he really has any idea how I feel on a daily basis.  I know, that's still a pretty angry response.

After some thought, I realized that irritation has become a default emotion.  Really, it seems easier to be irritated than to really deal with the sources of irritation.  I'm not happy with several areas in my life.   The source of my dissatisfaction can be traced to a lack of discipline.  But really, who likes discipline?  I want to exercise daily, eat well, take care of my loved ones, grow closer to God, live the perfect life, without effort.  I don't want to work at it, plan it or force myself to do it.

Of course, you can see the problem.  Even in my irritation, I understand that my expectations are unrealistic.  Taking care of a family of six requires planning and intention.  Having daily time for activities that I consider a priority requires discipline.  Sometimes things do just happen but if a thing is to happen regularly, it must be planned regularly.

This Lenten season, my focus is on sacrificing selfishness.  I'm going to give up irritation as my first response.  My intention is that over the next forty days I will develop some habits that make me less irritated and more grounded.  I intend to catch up on my Bible study.  I intend to participate in some kind of physical activity five days a week.  I intend to write each day.  All of these activities appear to be all about me.  What I've discovered is that if I take care of these things, I feel more accomplished and satisfied.  As a result, I'm able to roll with the events of the day. 

For Lent this year I'm going to take better care of myself so that I can take better care of others.  I want this season of Lent to represent the sacrifice of irritation and an increase of joy.  Check back with me in forty days and I'll let you know how it goes.

The Drama of Algebra

Today was a typical, if rainy, day at our house.  M7 and S9 moved quickly through their work.  H12 stalled in every way possible.  She loves to read and to write.  Everything else requires monitoring, prodding and, sometimes, bullying.  Algebra was where we got hung up today.  It often is.  The drama that has been inspired by math in our home is impressive. 

Today's drama resulted in whining, crying, melting down, stomping from the room and flopping into bed.  Thankfully, today, it was H12 that put on the show.  After I took a deep breath, I went upstairs to talk with H12 about how she expected the rest of her day would go.  We were able to engage in an impromptu review of her logic lessons by identifying numerous fallacies in her many passionate and varied arguments for why math is unnecessary and why her behavior should be excused.  After several minutes with no progress, I decided to take a break and regroup. 

I completed a couple of jobs then went back to check on H12.  I found her where I'd left her, in bed staring at the ceiling.  I asked if she was planning to do this all day.  She replied, "No, now I'm just being difficult."  All I could do was laugh as I walked away.  I'm so thankful that I've got a daughter who is able to recognize her stubborn choices and own up to them. It didn't take long before H12 climbed out of bed and we finished her math lesson.



Too often, the behavior that I find most difficult in my children is a reflection of my own behavior or attitudes.  How often do I choose a course of action and stick to it even when I know there is absolutely no benefit in it?  How often to I choose stubborn over logical?  How often do I not even recognize that I've made the choice?

Fool Me Once, Shame on You. Fool Me Twice...

We are now at fool me three times.  I suppose we should be full of shame.  I certainly feel foolish, used, betrayed.  My beautiful 15 year old daughter fooled me three times.  Trust is so far gone that I'm not sure how we will ever get it back.  Today I was served with a court summons.  Delinquent.  It's sobering to see that word applied to your child.  I look at her beautiful face and wonder how such a word can possibly describe her.

Earlier in the summer my daughter got caught sneaking back into a friends house after going to a party with her boyfriend and drinking.  We discovered that the sneaking around and drinking were an ongoing habit.  Lovely.  My daughter spent the remainder of the summer under my direct supervision.   Sleepovers are no longer part of her world.  Parental supervision when visiting with her friends is a requirement.

Two weeks ago, we allowed my daughter to go with her boyfriend and another couple to their school's homecoming.  It was the first time we'd allowed her to go anywhere without direct parental supervision since last June.  It was the first time we'd allowed her to ride in the car with a teenage driver.  After the couples left for the dance, we discovered (thanks to some text messages) that vodka was part of the plan.  We had no confidence that the kids would remain at the dance, despite what they'd told us or the limits that we'd placed on them.  My husband went to the dance to confront our daughter.  Unfortunately, our hopes of keeping our concerns quiet was impossible when the school officials and sheriff got involved.  All four of the kids involved were charged with underage drinking.

Today, my doorbell rang and I was greeted by a sheriff with a court summons. We had a nice chat.  He liked my tattoo.  Evidently, several families in town received a similar summons today.  Homecoming was a busy night for the sheriff's department evidently.   In twelve days we go to court.  We'll probably see several people we know there.  My daughter will be pleading guilty.  She is.  No doubt.  I have no idea what the consequences will be nor the cost.  She'll pay them all.  Hopefully it will be a lesson learned, a lasting lesson.

Maybe I've learned something in all of this too.  Perhaps, I won't be fooled again.

Three Strikes

In the past few months, too many of our days had been marked with yelling, temper tantrums, nasty words and hurt feelings. School began to feel like a battle zone, not the creative and emotional supportive center for learning that I'd imagined. Things were spinning out of control on an almost daily basis and nothing I did seemed to help. In fact, I seemed to be part of the problem. How could I fix our school and bring us back into good relationships with each other?

I began searching for a system of reminding my children of the behavior I expect, allowing them to correct their own behavior without my correcting, lecturing or yelling. I struggled with feeling swamped by the demands of discipline on top of the demands of teaching. I felt like my school was inching toward out of control. Granted, my own hormones may have been out of wack but the feeling of unhappiness in my interactions with my children were to pressing to ignore.

After much discussion with my cheerleader and chief idea man and much introspection and prayer, I've implemented the three strike policy. Each day my children have the opportunity to earn a "good day" toward a family dinner at a restaurant. In order to be able to go to the restaurant, all the children must have five good days. So potentially, we could go out to eat weekly. For each negative behavior during a school day I give the offending child/ren an x on their hand. No charts or fancy record keeping, just an x. Three x (xxx) and the offending child loses their "good day" status. It is simple, easy to follow through on and requires no fancy record keeping. Three strikes gets my point across and requires no conversation at all thus no yelling or lecturing. I began the plan with hope.

We have no problem defining negative behavior and my children understand my expectations. We are all very aware of my definition of negative behavior because I have lectured and yelled about negative behaviors until I'm frankly sick of hearing myself. For clarification here though, negative behavior includes but is not limited to arguing, complaining, excessive delays in work, touching siblings in anyway not hugging or kissing or exhibiting offensive attitudes.

The thing I love about the three strike system is that from the start it took the yelling/lecturing out of the day. I don't get worked up and neither do the children. The second thing I like is that it puts the children in charge of their own behavior. It also gives incentive for all to behave well , cooperate and encourage each other in their behavior. Finally, it starts new every morning. We all need that.

We've been working with three strikes for almost a month now and I've seen a dramatic difference in our days together. We rarely have three strike days. We usually manage to hold ourselves at two. I have to admit there was even a day that I got two strikes and I deserved them both. In fact, I believe my children practiced the grace by stopping at two. I know they've seen that grace modeled a time or two by me when they didn't get what they deserved.

Has three strikes fixed all our problems? No, but it's given us room to breathe and a way of rewarding the behavior we want to see and are proud of in a way that everyone wins. For me three strikes is a reminder that taking time to think about what is needed is a lot more productive that doing the same thing over and over again. I suppose it's good that the teacher is still learning and being taught by my students.

What creative systems have you developed for improving your life?