My Philosophy of Parenting

I'm not often (practically never) asked for parenting advice but if I were there is really only one practical piece of help I could offer.  Pray.  Pray often.  Pray long.  Pray hard.  Pray specifically.  Pray.

In light of my belief in the fact that prayer is our greatest parenting asset, I was delighted to find a parenting trend that fits my outlook very well.  The CTFD style of parenting seems to be just about right to me. Now, for those of you that may be offended by the language just skip the f word and just stick with me.  You may be struggling to understand how prayer and CTFD could possibly work together.  Trust me, they do.

It is absolutely impossible to worry and pray at the same time.  You can worry or you can pray.  You cannot do both.  Only one of those choices provides comfort, assurance, results.  God tells us repeatedly (and repeatedly, and even more repeatedly) in the Bible not to worry.  God also tells us repeatedly (and repeatedly, and even more repeatedly) to pray (without ceasing even!). 

So, CTFD (or CT*D if that's more comfortable) and pray rather than worry.  God's got this and you and your child(ren).  And that's my very best parenting advice.

A Different View

Yesterday my day was filled with opportunities to view the world around me a little differently. 

I began my morning with an optometrist appointment for S10.  Around Christmas time, while we were trying to decide on our benefit options for 2012 we gave the kids a quickie vision screening.  No one had complained of vision issues so we really weren't expecting anything but 20/20 all around.  We were right in 7 out of 8 eyes.  Shane's right eye failed the vision screening miserably. 

Being a mother, I had already thought of worst case scenarios (brain tumors, optic nerve issues, etc.) and planned, at least in theory, for how we'd cope with whatever treatment or surgery was required.  In my mind any difficulty was fixable.  It never really crossed my mind that there would be something wrong with his eye that couldn't be corrected.

The doctor diagnosed Shane with a macular scar that can't be corrected.  He is not seeing much at all through his right eye.  The biggest E on the vision chart was all he could manage.  Those were the same results we got with our quick screening before Christmas.  He does have peripheral vision in  his right eye but all direct vision is blocked by the scar. 

The great news is that his left eye is 20/20.  He'll have to wear eye protection for the rest of his life because his left eye is now twice as important as it was.  Looking at him, no one will know that his right eye isn't working correctly.  He won't have to wear a patch or anything like that.  He's very excited about wearing glasses. 

After leaving the doctor's office I was feeling a little overwhelmed.  All of a sudden, my son was partially blind.  Then I realized that nothing had really changed.  His condition isn't new to him.  This may have been something that he's had since he was six.  His vision was normal for him and we didn't realize that there was a problem because he didn't realize there was a problem.  So really, for four years, we've had a partially blind son.  The only difference that our new knowledge brings is the opportunity to take precautions.  S10 is the same boy.  We are the same parents.  Nothing has been lost.  We just have a different view now.

I also got a different view yesterday evening.  This one was from the passenger side of my van after K15 passed her learner's exam. 

I've driven that van for almost ten years.  I've ridden as a passenger with many different drivers.  I've even ridden as a passenger with K15 on our gravel road.  This time I was the passenger for 16 miles of paved road with many other drivers, lights, signs and rain.  It was a whole new view of the world. 

I think we both did really well on our first drive together.  Neither of us freaked out.  Neither of us cried.  Neither of us stomped off when the ride was over.  I can't say it's always gone so well when I've been the one driving.

The view from the passenger seat is one that will take some time to grow accustom to.  I can see some advantages but I see more challenges.  My biggest challenge yesterday was the absence of a brake pedal on my side of the car.  I'm hoping I learn to cope with the lack of control and trust the judgement of K15 over time.  I hope she continues to listen to and respect my experience as we travel together.  I hope the new view I have as we move into the world of teen drivers just keeps getting better.

Finally, my Bible study last night was from the 10th chapter of Acts were Peter gets a really new view on the world the way God intends it.  I am continually amazed with the faith of Peter and the love and grace he showed as he modeled Christ for those around him. 

I pray that I always take time in difficult circumstances to really consider my view.  What I see at first glance is not always the correct view.  What seems most obvious is not always the most helpful.  I pray that when I'm presented with a new view I'll be like Peter and take the time to ask God what it all means and how I'm to respond.  I pray that, like Peter, my response will be based on the godly view.  

Bearing Witness to Blessing Part 4

Predictably, things haven't gone quite as we'd planned.  It's probably a very good thing that we aren't in charge of the Master plan and that we don't have all the details presented to us in advance.  We'd be too tempted to tinker with the parts we don't like and mess up any hope for a worthwhile resolution. 

The first part of our move went beautifully.  We managed the movers and got out of the house with only a few minor glitches. Namely, a lot of dog poop, a lost great dane and tons of cleaning. Those glitches did cause some tears and set backs but we pulled it together and were even on the road by 4pm on Wednesday, as scheduled.

The most heart breaking moment, other than locking the door for the last time, was watching K14 and her two best friends, standing in the mud and rain, holding each other and sobbing.  The pain of my children can break my most resolute heart.  We set out for our new home with a van full of odds and ends and five bruised hearts.  As I told H11, "Sad is okay.  We can all be sad together.  Turning sad into mad isn't okay.  Even if it makes you feel stronger." I think we'll all need to be reminded of sad versus mad over the next weeks.

On our way out of town, we stopped to pick up cash and the family dog.  The ATM receipt showed that we had a higher balance in our checking account than we ever, ever had before.  A sign that the old house had closed and that we were officially homeless.  The rest of the trip to our new home was long and, at times, tearful, but uneventful.  I said a prayer of thanksgiving that is was over and went straight to bed.

Thursday morning brought fresh disappointment.  The new house didn't close.  The mortgage company was unable to give us a new closing date.  They have processes, you know.  The day stretched before us with nothing to do.  No home to move into.  No plan. 

We went shopping.  Kohl's was having a sale.  I had pre-Christmas Kohl's dollars. Everyone got to buy something they wanted but didn't need.  Three pairs of jeans, four shirts, three pairs of leggings and two Star Wars action figures cost us $28.  We love Kohl's. 

We only wish the grocery shopping had been as cheap!  We are staying with friends until Saturday so we felt the need to provide the New Year's Eve party food.  We let M6 and S8 push the tiny kids carts.  We filled them to the top with party food, shrimp, sodas, champagne and strawberry cream cheese.  Not our normal shopping routine by any means.  Three pizzas from Little Caesar's gave us another positive moment in our unexpected day. 

After getting the kids to bed last night, R and I sat down and discussed our options.  What looked bleak at the beginning of the conversation turned into blessing after blessing and prayers of thanksgiving by the end.  God is so good and taking a moment to recognize the goodness, especially when the circumstances are unexpected, is an exercise worth doing. 

We have exactly what we need, it may not be what we wanted or what we thought we needed, but we have EXACTLY what we NEED, and then some.  And then quite a bit more.  Our things are taken care of.  We have food, shelter and clothing.  We will be spending next week in a hotel, with a pool.  We were even able to find a store that had bathing suits for sale!  The hotel allows animals.  It serves breakfast.  It has connecting rooms.  It has weekly rates.  Our plan B is God's plan A and we are blessed.

We'll be spending tonight celebrating the New Year with friends who feel like family.  We'll be missing the friends that we've celebrated with over the past years and pray that we are able to celebrate together in the future.  We will be praying for all our friends and family tonight.  Our prayer will be that God will reign down blessing on all and give eyes to truly see those blessings as they appear.

Bearing Witness to Blessing

Things have picked up speed in the last few weeks and I don't want to miss the opportunity to breathe in deeply and thank God for the blessings we have been witness to during this time of change.

After a crazy year of R's almost non-stop traveling, we are moving toward living together as a family.  We aren't there yet but we are moving in the right direction.  The process began in August with several job possibilities and culminated in a job change.

On October 15, R returned from Australia after a month in Brisbane.  He had one final week at work. We began laboring in earnest to get the house ready to sell.  On October 25, R was unemployed until he began his new job on November 1.  We listed our house for sale on October 29.  The listing went public on the MLS on November 2.

R left for his new job on October 31 and started his new job on November 1.  We had house showings on November 4, November 6, November 10, November 11 and November 14.  We had three offers for the house, two of them full price, by November 14. 

On November 2, the children and I traveled to our new area to look at houses with R.  We'd looked at more than 15 houses during previous trips.  None of them were our house.  R and I looked at five houses on Sunday with no winners.  The children and I looked at five houses on Monday and fell in love.  R looked at the same house on Tuesday and came back with a list of concerns about the home the children and I had started calling "The White House".  We were crushed.  Thursday, he went to look at the house again and returned dreaming dreams.  By Friday, we were in agreement on the house.

After accepting an offer for our house on Monday, November 15, we put in an offer on the dream that God is growing in us.  The White House Farm. If all goes well, we will be moving in time to put a Christmas tree up in our new living room. 

These past few weeks have taught me a lot about what is mine and what is not.  They have also taught me about being specific and asking.  The last time we moved, I was angry about the house.  I was angry that something so precious to me wasn't precious to all.  I felt that I wasn't being compensated for the love and devotion I'd given the house and I felt cheated by potential buyers.  I totally lost perspective in the process of giving up something that I felt belonged to me.

With this move, I've been able to recognize that the house I live in is not mine.  It is God's house and it is God's gift to me.  I love this house because it shows the generous nature of my Heavenly Father.  I know that there is nothing here to cling to or feel resentful about because it's all a good gift.  When we move this home will be God's blessing to another family.

This time I've been praying very specifically about this move.  R and I began to pray about the amount we wanted for the house.  The first offer we received was for that exact amount.  The second and third offers were for more.  God has a way of giving us what we never dare ask for.  I've also been praying for a specific time frame, feeling bold and brassy all the while.  God must have chuckled as my prayers for within three months turned into within three weeks.

The final prayer that we've added during this move has been a prayer for the family that is going to move into our house.  That family has been prayed over daily for more than a month now.  I only hope I get to hear, someday, how the move and the house has been a blessing from God to them.  It's been our prayer and I have every confidence that God has heard it.

During our last move, I had a very difficult time seeing potential in new houses because I looked at them through the filter of what I was giving up.  Again, I spent a lot of time feeling the loss of my possession rather than the joy of what was to come.  Even in my stubbornness, God provided a beautiful home here. 

My prayer for house hunting this time has been that God would allow me to see our new home without the filter of the old.  That I would be given clear vision and a sure knowledge of the blessings to come.  God was gracious and I didn't spend a single moment feeling regretful or short changed as we looked at new houses.  Our new life is going to be much different from the life we are leaving here.  I can't wait to see how all of it works out.  

I feel that a large part of my responsibility during this time is to bear witness.  It's mine to pay attention to the blessings, the miraculous and the improbable along with the mundane, and to record them in my mind and share them with others.  I join a long heritage of people that bear witness and say,

"Give thanks to the Lord of hosts,
For the Lord is good,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting."

The Joy of Creation

My last few weeks have been overflowing with irritating jobs that bring me little joy.  I've cleaned closets, drawers, clothes and rooms.  I've filled boxes with items to be donated or sold.  I've filled garbage cans with things we no longer want and are able to admit that no one else wants either.  All of this is necessary, but it really doesn't foster a sense of well being in me.  There is a fleeting sense of satisfaction or perhaps it's just relief that the job is done.  Either way, I have been craving a more creative task.

Yesterday, S8 asked for apples.  On the way home, after dropping M6 at a friend's house for a few hours of  play time, we stopped at the corner vegetable market.  We bought apples, a pie pumpkin and a basket of overly ripe tomatoes.  I practically danced out of the shop with my loot. 

I won't say that I made the best pumpkin cookies ever (although they were delicious).  Or that my pasta sauce is one that would rival an Italian grandmother's (It wouldn't.  I've got a long way to go in the gravy making department.)  I would say that I felt satisfied and joyful yesterday as I baked pumpkin then made cookies with it.  I was euphoric as I blanched, peeled and pureed tomatoes for gravy.  I practically danced as I mixed the pasta dough for spaghetti and took great pride in each crank of my pasta press and the pile of glorious noodles that poured forth onto my counter. 

Sometimes, taking time to cut, mix and blend is more than labor.  Taking time to create something from pieces of other things can help put the world back in order.  Sometimes, a plate of pasta and a cookie is a prayer.

Slow Forward Movement

It's done.  Official resignations have been made.  In an effort to keep a wonderful employee, the current employer offered a two year assignment in Pernis.  As tempting as that may be, we aren't ready to risk that they would send all of us and not just Rob.  I suspect two years of missing Rob would do us all in.  So, we move forward with moving forward.

I've talked to our relocation coordinator, our packing coordinator and our mortgage coordinator.  I've fired a realtor and hope to hire one or two more this week.  I've been pre-approved for as much money as I can carry out of the bank.  I've cleaned out M6's room and added to the pile of stuff in the garage.  I think we'll be having an all-you-can-stuff-in-a-bag-for-$3 yard sale soon. 
It's been a busy weekend for us.  They all are really.  We spent Friday night having pizza with neighbors.  Who knows how many times we'll get to share time and food with these wonderful people?  It's best to take advantage of every moment.  Wine flowed, laughter rang and it was a wonderful night. 

Saturday brough football and band.  We experienced a loss on the football field and a gold rating in the band competition.  The evening continued with a stop at the Red Box and a movie watched in the van when the dvd player went on the fritz.  Sunday we communed with the world and followed with a meal at our favorite Mexican restaurant.  If Jesus had been Hispanic would we commune with margaritas and tortilla chips?  After lunch Isaved more than I spent at Kohl's.  They were having a sale.


Some effort was made at cleaning up and cleaning out rooms.  Letting go is hard.

The week stretches before us.  Who knows what will happen next?  We seem to be moving forward, slowly.  Or perhaps we are just flying by the seat of our pants.  Our prayer is that we are moving in God's will and glorifying God with every step we take.

Continuing Conversations

Part of my self-education this summer has been a summer bible study entitled, 5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter by Vicki Courtney.  This is the last week of the bible study and I'm glad that I participated.  I think the study made me consider more deeply some of the assumptions I've brought to parenting and whether those were godly assumptions or worldly.  I'm still struggling with that question. 

I also found it helpful to have the author's perspective of the five most important topics we need to address with our daughters.  They are: You are more than the sum of your parts.  Don't be in such a hurry to grow up.  Sex is great and worth the wait.  It's o.k. to dream about marriage and motherhood.  Girls gone wild are a dime a dozen - Dare to be virtuous.  I'm not sure I would have chosen the same topics, the same order or the same emphasis but I've found the study to be worthwhile in that it has gotten me to think about what I emphasize for my children daily and how I can be certain that all my sound bites stay on point.

One of the issues that has cropped up several times in the last few days is making godly choices.  My middle daughter has decided to write a book.  She wanted the book to be about a witch that falls in love with a mortal.  This raised all sorts of difficulties for me.  I don't want her spending her creative talents in a world that I believe to be ungodly, creating a heroine that is ungodly.  My feeling about her choice leads to the discussion of why she can't write about witches but she can read about them.  Well, really I'm not thrilled about that either.  I have allowed it though.  Do I back down concerning writing about witches or do I take a firmer stand about all things witch related?  When is a witch bad and what do I do about the good ones?

Also, on the issue of clothing.  I want my children to make choices based on modest as well as comfort.  My daughters are beautiful girls.  I don't think they need to hide their God given beauty but I also want them to pick clothes that allow them to be attractive, mostly covered and look their age.  That's sometimes a difficult feat to achieve in the retail world of tighter and skimpier.  Thankfully, jeans seem to be moving back toward the natural waist and shirts are getting longer than they were a few years ago.  Unfortunately, everything is getting skinnier or tighter.

I know that I'm called as a Christian and as a parent to "Be holy, because I am holy." (1 Peter 1:16) God desires that I live such good lives among  the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us. (1 Peter 2:12).  I doubt anyone looking at my life or the lives of my children at this time would accuse us of doing wrong or of glorifying God.  We've fit into the world too neatly and adopted it too completely.  It's a comfortable fit and I'm not sure where to even begin to change it.  I do stand convicted that change is essential.  I suspect change begins with prayer.

In Which I Contemplate the Best Laid Plans

I've been planning. I'll admit, I'm a planner so my planning is no great shock for anyone that knows me. I plan my day, week, month and year. I plan meals, chores, activities, curriculum and vacations. Planning helps me feel in control.

This week I've been planning for my in-laws visit, spring break, our trip to Florida and our curriculum for next year. I've looked at local activities, prices for Disney passes and meals and astronomy and algebra books. My planning knows no limits.

The thing with my planning is that I've lived long enough to know that my efforts at control may very well be futile. I really only have a plan, not a promise of completion. God has plans too. Plans that totally supersede mine. And mostly, I'm thankful that God's plans are perfect. Sometimes, I'm able to be thankful after the fact, rather than in the moment.

Still, I plan. I think God likes that. I think that God loves me enough to know that my plans aren't an attempt to control God but rather an attempt to make the very best of any situation God has for me. Having a plan enables me to be flexible rather than frazzled. Having a plan gives me a place to begin and a direction in which to move.

Often my plans go in ways I never intended. Last summer I had a plan for the perfect 20th anniversary trip to Europe for two weeks. I ended up enjoying a lovely cruise for 5 days and an emergency appendectomy. I am so thankful that God knew the right plan for that part of my life.

I expect God to keep directing my plans. Right now, it feels like we are at a turning point, a cross road. It feels like change is coming. My first response is to plan. My second response is to pray. I think reversing that might be a better impulse. So, I think I'll pray for awhile and see what God has planned.