Where is the Value?

I've been thinking a lot about the implications of beauty in our society. My new Bible study was not the first tapping on my brain concerning this subject.  I'm also reading a book called Adventure Divas.  While I despise the name, it's made me think a lot about what I find to be of value in others.  I'll probably want to talk about it a bit more when I complete the book.  For now I just wanted to take a bit of space to explore my feelings and thoughts about beauty and virtue and how the two might meet.

The first section of my Bible study suggested redefining beauty and gave Proverbs 31 as a good definition of beauty for Christian women.  As I wrote yesterday, I'm not sure that really lowers the bar as much as it relocates it and perhaps even raises it.  I find it confusing and frustrating that beauty and virtue are in opposition with each other.  So often, beauty seems to be something you can have physically or spiritually but never both.  It's either presented as inner or outer but not a mixture of the two.  A woman who is truly virtuous can never be physically beautiful because that would mean that she wasn't concentrating enough effort on the spiritual but had fallen over into the sin and degradation of the physical.  It sounds so Victorian/Puritan/stuffy/antiquated yet doesn't it hold true today?

What is it about being physically pleasing that requires a judgement?  And how does the way a woman fixes her hair or what dress she puts on take away from her strength, courage, valor, merit, potency or chastity.  Now there are two contradictory ideas, potency and chastity.  How did those traits even end up in the same definition?  Perhaps virtue is not the same for men and women.  That seems to be the case in this definition.   However, I would argue that the right dress and a great haircut adds to a woman's strength, courage and potency in a physical and spiritual way. 

Looking at the other words in the definition of virtue, it's hard to understand why chastity made the list.  It seems like an afterthought, a word tacked on because the previous part of the definition was too frightening to transfer freely between men and women.  Men can be virtuous in this way: manly strength, courage, valor, merit, potency.  Those traits can't be counted as good in a woman yet she must be allowed to be virtuous somehow so a woman can be virtuous if she is chaste.  That really sets men and women at odds, don't you think?  A man is virtuous if he's potent and a woman is virtuous if she's chaste.  That poses a real problem.

I thought perhaps my difficulty with the idea of chastity might stem from a lack of understanding so I took a moment to find the definition of chastity and it was much as I thought until the second definition.  1 : the quality or state of being chaste: as a : abstention from unlawful sexual intercourse b : abstention from all sexual intercourse c : purity in conduct and intention d : restraint and simplicity in design or expression

2 : personal integrity
Personal integrity.   Now that's strong, courageous, brimming with valor, merit and potency.  Personal integrity is something worth getting excited about.  It's a place to camp and explore and live.  I'm not sure the people that tacked chastity onto the definition of virtue to give women something to which they can aspire would appreciate my excitement over personal integrity.  Really, personal integrity is much more inspiring than sexual abstinence.


I believe that personal integrity helps us choose what is beautiful.  Without personal integrity all beauty must be selected and approved by another.  With personal integrity we choose our own beauty.  Beauty gives pleasure to the senses or mind or spirit.  Don't courage, valor, merit and potency do the same?  Aren't those beautiful?  Again, chastity just doesn't fit the list.  It comes in and squelches all that is beautiful as effectively as a bucket of water.  It says no where all the others say yes and rush to action.  Personal integrity, on the other hand, becomes a complement to beauty requiring that one become sound, complete and honest in order to be virtuous and not just sexless. 

As a woman, the idea of virtue in the form of personal integrity brings beauty and virtue into perspective.  The dichotomy is erased and I am able to find beauty in virtue and virtue in beauty.  The two are reconciled and each is allowed to have value. Beauty and virtue as a dynamic duo embody all aspects of an individual by setting an internal standard rather than an external measure.  Individuals are free to decide what gives pleasure to the senses, mind and spirit and also is honest, complete and incorruptible.  Virtue and beauty together become something to live in rather than something to which one must aspire.  Value is not determined by another.  Value comes from what is sound, complete and honest and from what gives pleasure to the senses, mind and spirit. The bar is set.  It's a rigorous standard but clear and most certainly valuable.

All definitions were sited from:
Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary.

     Retrieved June 20, 2010, from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary

Defining Beauty

I mentioned earlier that I've started a new Bible study (5 Conversations You Must Have with Your Daughter by Vicki Courtney) and I'm still not sure how I feel about it.  I'm not one that quickly settles into new things.  I sit down and then push and prod, twist and turn, fidget and wriggle until I decide it's time to get up and leave or get busy.  Usually, I choose to get busy but it takes me awhile to settle.  I'm still in the fidgeting and wriggling stage with this study.

Right now, fidgeting and wriggling involves critiquing the aurthor's style, writing questions and comments in the margins of the book and thinking a lot about the things other than what the study is actually trying to discuss.  Fidgeting is usually a sign that there is learning to be had.  It often indicates that I'm feeling a stretch in my spirit or mind.  Usually the best response to a stretch like that is to settle in and get to work so I expect that's what I'll do.

I have finished the first week of the study and while I like Vicki's intention of replacing our worldly standards of beauty with Biblical standards, I'm not sure that really lowers the bar as much as it relocates it and perhaps even raises it.  Perfect physical beauty, I agree, is not the source of all peace and happiness.  First of all, it's too fleeting. Secondly, it's truly in the eye of the beholder.  Not good characteristics for lasting joy.  But Biblical beauty is so much more than just what you see and can, ideally, lead to lasting joy.

Vicki uses Proverbs 31:10-31 as her model for God's standard of beauty.  Then she presents the task; as you think about God's standard, list five women you know who are truly beautiful.  Now, I know some pretty incredible women.  Many who have a heart for God and for others.  Many who are amazing mothers,sisters, daughters, wives, women but I'm not sure I know anyone that embodies the definition of beauty set out in Proberbs 31.  That woman had huge shoes and filling them seems more than daunting.  I'm not sure that comparing myself daily to Lady Proverbs is going to make me feel any more confident and capable than comparing myself to Jennifer Garner.  Either way I come up short.

Of course, it doesn't help that my inclination is to throw up my hands in helplessness and say, "If I'm being judged by standards beyond my control, how can I ever expect to make any progress toward beauty."  And that really is the sticking point for me.  There are so many things in this world that I consider to be beautiful.  Sunrises, sunsets, chocolate cheesecake, a perfect omelet, a wide variety of flowers, trees and animals, many views I've seen in many places around the world, my children, paintings and other art..W.  None of these beautiful things have to work to be beautiful, they just are.  So why is it that beauty, whether it be by the worldly or the Biblical standards,  requres so much effort?

Weekly Recap 6/14-6/18

We spent last week on vacation so this week has been a week of transition.  We arrived home on Sunday night/Monday morning, slept and woke with a to-do list as long as the day.  Monday we helped my dh pack for business travel, entertained friends from out of town and picked our foreign exchange student up at the airport.

Tuesday I started a new Bible Study (5 Conversations You Must Have with Your Daughter).  We all went out for lunch.  DH left for a month in Australia.  The kids and I went to the science museum for a couple of hours. 

Wednesday was Water Logged, a day full of water fun and games for M5, S8 and H11.  K13 and G18 went to a movie and I treated myself to breakfast and lunch out.  Lovely!

Thursday I hosted a "Not So Bunco" gathering at my house for my normal bunco group and all my non-bunco friends and neighbors.  It was fun to get together and chat for a couple of hours.

Friday we went to see Toy Story 3 in 3D.  Everyone loved it.  We skipped popcorn and cokes at the theater so that we could enjoy our favorite ice cream.   We got home from the movie in time to grab a quick dinner and head off to a presentation at the planetarium about Galileo.  Almost all of us enjoyed the refreshments and the presentation.  S8 says he hated every minute of it.  I'm not sure if that's true or if he is just mad that he didn't get to watch any t.v. today.

Tomorrow we'll be going to see the newest IMAX movie at the science center and then heading to part two of the Galileo weekend.  We are supposed to be making telescopes.  That  should be fun!

It's been a great week but I can't for the life of me figure out where the free time is.  It seems as if I'm just as busy now as I was when we were doing school work daily.  How does that happen?

Virtual Beings or Relational Beings

We are relational beings.  There's really no way around it.  God created humans to be with each other.  Seeking each other out is what we do.  Even if you are an introvert, some part of you craves at least occasional connection with others.

I spent today watching my children make connections.  They played, talked, shared activities and food.  It was the most natural thing in the world for my children and their friends to be together face to face.  This evening I was able to spend face to face time with friends of my own.  What a blessing to gather together and share ourselves.  And even as I know that face time is best I often settle for virtual reality.  It's quick and non-demanding.  I don't have to go anywhere or do much more than sit down and log on.  Virtual reality allows me to pretend that I'm having interactions with others even though the others aren't really there.

For ten years, the people who knew the day to day me were my invisible friends.  My invisible friends were an e-mail loop of ten women that started when my oldest child was just a year old.  We spent time daily sharing our victories and our struggles.  We were safe ground for each other in a way that made sharing easy and judgement unnecessary.  The thing I noticed about my invisible friends is that they didn't replace real friends.  I still needed face time with people in my everyday world.

The virtual world provides so many opportunities for interaction.  It provides endless ways to use time.  It provides an illusion of connection.  It does not provide anything but the virtual.  To get the true connection, the true interaction and the true use of time requires real people, in a real place, sharing real time.  Anything else is virtually worthless. 

I found this article Meet the New American Family, Digitally Deluged by Albert Mohler while reading another blog and think that the information is worth considering.  Do we use media to connect with others or do we use media because the media makes a connection with us?  Do we let our interest in the virtual overshadow our interest in what is real around us?  Do the digital things in this world enhance or distract our lives?  And if we have a difficult time managing the virtual and the real how much harder is it for our children?

This kind of information and thoughtful consideration aren't popular at my house because it usually means that the children or husband or I am going to be deprived of something that we've held near and dear.  I won't say that all media in our house will go.  I will say that I am thinking about what changes we can make to be good stewards of our time and resources in the area of virtual reality. 

Where do you draw the line on the digital deluge?

Wordless Wednesday - A Walkway to Paradise

In Which I Choose a Topic and Get on with It: More Than A Sum of Our Parts

I began a new Bible study this morning.  It's a group study that meets for the next five weeks to watch a video series and take part in a small group discussion.  The topic is conversing with our daughters in ways that are meaningful about topics that matter.  What drew me to the study is that it deals with five intentional conversations that mothers should have with their daughters over and over and over again.  I like the idea that I can learn about these conversations and then reuse them for years and years.  I'm all about getting my value from my time and I figure ten hours to learn about something that I can reuse x3.  That's my kind of value.

I've attended other Bible studies at this particular church so I knew, generally, what to expect.  Coffee cups and carry in breakfasts are allowed.  No red drinks.  Bring your Bible.  Workbooks and pens will be provided.  Casual dress is fine.  Some is more casual than others.  Since the study is about talking with your daughters, I expected a room full of mothers and I wasn't disappointed.  The ages of mothers ranged from early twenties to early sixties. 

I'm guessing the early sixties mom was there to lend support and encouragement.  I suppose she could be there to evaluate her own performance in retrospect or to learn tips and hints she can pass on to her own daughter as her daughter begins raising the sixties mom's granddaughters.  Or maybe she was lonely and she figured that as a mother and a daughter she might enjoy sharing the time with others.

Truly, it's difficult to say why anyone else was in the class.  Our opening activity was to introduce ourselves, share the ages of our daughters and tell about our proudest parenting moment.  A question about proud parenting moments immediately creates a competition and sets up a serious challenge, especially in a group of churchy women.  If you really say something that made you proud, that's bad because pride is not a virtue.  You also have to limit the things that are pride worthy.  Is a sports achievement something that the group would consider worthy of pride?  Should it be the number of memory verses the child learned?  Or would personality traits be better suited for the right answer?  Do I share that I'm proud that my children play well together?  Or that they are kind?  It's always good to go for the laugh.  Telling a funny story about your child is an easy and effective way to avoid sharing a truly prideful moment.  Or you can fall back on "when I gave birth"  because really, who can argue with that?  Giving birth trumps just about anything.  It also ensures that no one else can trump you because everyone that's been in one of these Bible study groups knows that you can't pick the same proud moment (or whatever) that anyone else has shared. 

I would have rather heard why others were taking the class.  That would have at least given a feeling of solidarity with some of the other women.  Answers could have been focused on the topic at hand and served to create a feeling of comradery:  I want a better relationship with my daughters.  I don't want to screw my daughters up too badly.  I'm trying to do my best and figure I need all the help I can get.  I'm a daughter and I know I want to do a better job than my mother did.  There is much common ground to be found in that answer.  It's been my experience that creating common ground is important in this kind of Bible study.

After sharing who we are and what makes us proud, we chatted without purpose for about 20 minutes.  My husband left for Australia today.  I didn't have 20 minutes to chat with strangers, even if those strangers were friends I hadn't met yet.  I had prescriptions to pick up.  I had things to do.  On a good day, 20 minutes of undirected chatting with strangers would have been less than comfortable.  Today it was like fingers on a chalkboard.  I smiled.  I chatted.  I counted down the time and made lists in my head.  I checked out the other women.  I noticed hair, teeth, skin and clothing.  I watched mannerisms and listened to conversational styles.  I evaluated each on the friend to not friend scale.  I waited for the video presentation and my opportunity to move onto my list of things that needed to be done.

The video presentation was interesting.  It helped me look forward to completing the lesson and digging into these conversations that I'm to have with my daughters.  I will get my value from this lesson and I can see where there is value to be had.  I filled in all the blanks in my workbooks and made notes in my margins.  I felt great about getting on with it.  Then I read the first conversation starter for each small group after the video presentation:  Have you ever judged someone or shown favor based on appearance?  If so, what were the circumstances?

How unfair is a question like that?!  Especially when you've been given 20 pointless minutes in a room full of strangers.  Twenty minutes to create stories about each and every person at my table, weighing them on the scale of potential and judge them completely based on just a tiny bit more than a first impression.  I hate it when I'm trying to do something virtuous, like attending a Bible study even though my husband is leaving for Australia and I could have used the time in a thousand more productive ways, and it comes back to bite me in the butt by reminding me how desperately I deserve judgement.

I confessed my judgement to everyone at my table in an I'm-going-to-just-flat-out-admit-my-sin-and-dare-you-to-throw-a-stone way and found that I wasn't alone in my judging others.  I hadn't really thought that I was but it was nice that my table mates were willing to admit it.  We'd all been summing each other up, tallying the friend potential and making judgements.  Our lecture topic was "You are more than the sum or your parts".  Definitely a topic that I need to remind myself of when it comes to judging others.  Each and every person I meet is more than just what I see on the outside.  And really, even if they are only what I can see and judge, isn't that enough?  Doesn't the fact that each and every being on this planet is created by God demand my attention and respect and give me an excellent reason to postpone judgement?

I left the Bible study thinking about the last minute preparations for Rob's trip to Australia.  I also had a new awareness of the women around me.  I looked at them, not with judgment but with gratitude that there were so many that desired to glorify God in the relationship that they were building with their daughters.  We'd gathered on common ground. We were all mothers.  We were all daughters.  We were all women.  And over the next five weeks I think I'll find that judgement to be the most true and the one that matters most.

Yet Another List - Potential Blog Topics

It's another one of those times when I've got so much on my mind that I don't know where to begin.  The danger, of course, is in not beginning at all.  I don't want to fall into that trap so I will make a list of the things that I could potentially write about then choose one and get on with it.

the boy and dad I saw at the science museum today - boy looking very average, dad with a mohawk, leather studded vest and ear full of metal
a room full of strangers
a new Bible study
meeting new people
virtue verses vanity
first impressions
beauty
conversations I want to have with my daughters
conversations I want to have or wish I'd had with my mother
temporary single parenting
summer schedules
societal standards of beauty
setting standards for our family
enforcing the standards we set
pieces of our vacation I want to capture
why we make choices we didn't intend to make
making the best use of time
living intentionally
moving more toward green
how being green meshes with my faith
starting a blog about incremental greening
why I'm torturing my children and myself with music lessons this summer
why I find my husband's new tattoo irritating
getting to know others
never really knowing anyone
the comfort of having a car mechanic that I trust not to rip me off
the even greater comfort of having a car that's paid for and how that's so much more important to me now than I ever imagined it could be
life with a tattoo
a year in review concerning our foreign exchange student
parenting techniques - particularly how to deal with lying and when a child won't eat a taco
baking bread
making pasta
summer learning
friendships - the effort and the pay off
Uncle Bob
the scale of friendship
judgement
Christianity and the Bible
millions of years verses creation
the way the brain works - how Galileo and others help us see more clearly
my amazing children
Father's Day minus the father
the business of birth
Netflix instant
definitions of beauty - world and God

plus there's another really great topic that I thought of earlier but now that I'm making this list I'm totally unable to bring it to mind.