Today, I spent a large part of my day proving that the cold water in the left sink of the master bath worked. I also dealt with an appraiser, three realtors, two insurance people, our moving coordinator, our loan coordinator and the director of the soon-to-be-local farm extension. I sent e-mails, talked on the phone and answered questions from all of the above and my husband.
What I really should have done today is teach. I should have done math and science with H11, S8 and M6. I should have read a few more chapters in our advent book. I should have helped them complete another history lesson.
For the past
two months (who am I kidding?!) FOUR months, our schooling has not been what I'd hoped. We are getting the majors and sometimes doing the fun things but so much is just sliding. The littles are not suffering. M6 is learning to read and her math skills improve daily. S8 is amazing. He's conquered multiplication and division. He loves to read and history is his favorite subject. They learn new things every minute and if I don't teach them, they teach each other. The biggers are probably feeling like they've won the jackpot. My expectations are high but my enforcement is low. As long as they keep their heads down and I stay distracted, as I have been since August, they have little to do. H11 is a writer so she writes and reads, willingly. She'd be happy with books and paper to the exclusion of all else. On many days lately, she's been living her dream. K14 is on again and off again. She's listened to all of Augustine's Confessions. We've worked through the first 30+ chapters of The History of the Medieval World. She's completed the first section of Analytical Grammar. My daughter, who couldn't tell me what a noun or verb was at the beginning of the year last year, is now a master at sentence structure. Physical Science and Latin are limping along from lack of a motherly push. Again, my distraction working to her advantage.
I know that being hard on myself is not to my advantage. Taking myself to task and finding fault in the handling of my children's educations makes me want to go crawl back in bed. So much of what is occupying my time and attention these days is not rewarding in the slightest. I haven't gotten a single word of affirmation from any of the realtors, inspectors or coordinators that make demands upon me. Refusing to give myself a break is not loving or helpful.
To combat this negative attitude, I'm making some resolutions. These resolutions begin now and last until the new year: I will acknowledge and be thankful for each bit of learning that is done, even if I haven't done the teaching and the teaching is not intentional. I will recognize the value of flexibility and use it to my advantage rather than bemoan the fact that things refuse to be routine and scheduled. I will read to my children as often as possible and will say that it is enough, for now. I will help my children celebrate the birth of our Lord in a way that focuses on the gift and the sacrifice and the people we love. I will refrain from beating myself up for not doing more and being more. I will laugh at every opportunity and smile even more often than I laugh.
My hope is that with the new year we will find a more peaceful and productive place. I also pray that with the new year, I retain the lessons that I am struggling to learn at this time and in this place.
