The Right Cut

My son had been asking for me to cut his hair.  This was the fifth or sixth request for a hair cut over the course of the week. I put him off several times earlier in the week by telling him the time wasn't convenient or I wasn't sure where to find the electric razor. I'd put him off as long as I could.  I dreaded the job, not because it was difficult but because I loved his hair. 

When my son asks for a haircut he's not wanting a nice man cut with scissors.  He's requesting that I get out the electric razor and mow down his beautiful hair until all that remains is a velvety carpet of stubble on his head.  Before I had children, I made so many judgements and proclamations of the way things would and would not be in my family.  I was young and foolish and still believed that control was mine for the taking.  Now, I know with a clear and certain knowledge that passing judgement and issuing proclamations outlining perfection is the sure way to regret and reevaluation.

As you've probably guessed, one of the things that I proclaimed, for all the world to hear, was that when I had a son, he'd never have a buzz cut.  God heard my prayer, laughed and sent me an amazing little boy who from the time he was three has claimed the buzz cut as his own personal style statement.  He truly believes he is the most handsome creature on the planet when his hair is freshly shorn.  He believes it so deeply that it makes him dance, naked, in the bathroom.

Last night he'd finally had it with waiting for me to get things together for his haircut.  He found the razor himself and hauled me into the bathroom to complete the job I'd been assigned.  Sadly, the razor hadn't been charged and wasn't working up to full power so we had to plug it in and let it charge for a bit.  My son has about as much patience as the typical eight year old.  After about twenty minutes he asked me to come see if the razor was ready.  It seemed to have charged so I put the guard on it and began cutting.  One swath from dead center of the forehead back to his crown complete.  I began on the second pathway and the razor wound down and died.

My son is not normally concerned about appearance.  His color seldom match.  He's been known to tuck his dress pants legs into his cowboy boots.  His sisters keep a pretty close eye on him if we are going out in public so he won't embarrass them with his appearance.  I knew the hair cut we'd gotten done so far was not permanent and that we didn't have to go anywhere so there would be time to finish it after dinner.  He was not convinced and expressed his determination to stay in the bathroom until the razor was fully charged and the job was complete.  I explained to him that it could take several hours to charge the razor and that he'd get bored sitting in the bathroom alone.  A better choice might be to find a hat.  My idea was rejected.  He was determined to remain in isolation.  I left to fix dinner.  About twenty minutes later, he emerged from the bathroom to find a hat.  Pulled said hat very low over his head, almost covering his eyes and sulked his way down the stairs. 

After dinner, we were sure the razor had to be charged.  Finished the second partially mowed row and began on a third.  Things were humming along nicely and then we started running out of juice.  Two thirds of the front was complete.  He looked even more ridiculous than he had before dinner.   Once again, he had the agonizing choice between hat and bathroom.  His sisters were waiting for him to watch a movie.  He couldn't let them down so, after he'd gotten me to promise that he absolutely would not have to leave the house with this cut even if it meant missing Bible study in the morning, he resituated the hat and took his place in front of the screen.

Two hours passed in make believe bliss.  The razor was fully charged, the job was completed with no further delays.  Trim work done. A freshly shorn boy did a dance of recognition and thanksgiving in the bathroom. 

 His mother/barber laughed with delight at how something I once found so abhorrent for my imaginary son could bring such joy to the real life version.  I also caught myself saying a prayer that he would always find joy that would make him dance and that the joy would be something as simple and wonderful as the right hair cut.

Beyond Diva

I've shared that I've been thinking a lot about beauty and reading a book called Adventure Divas: Searching the Globe for Women Who Are Changing the World.  I also mentioned that I hated the title of the book but felt that the content was worth consideration and discussion. 

First of all, I hate the word diva and the limiting and negative tone it carries.  The word originates with the divine, think goddesses, and is most often used in reference to a vanity, lack of discipline, lack of cooperation, glamour and success at any cost.  Now, if you've read much mythology, the gods and goddesses tend to be pretty questionable characters.  Especially, the goddesses.  They are most often depicted as shallow, self absorbed, careless and cruel.  Very rarely are the goddesses portrayed as women of character in a way that would make anyone admire them for anything beyond beauty and immortality.  Sure, in literature they have some pretty serious impact on the way the world works but the impact usually stems from selfish pursuits and is rarely positive in result. 

With my strong feelings about the word diva, it's pretty amazing that I was willing to venture into this book at all.  I decided to give it a shot by believing that the author/creator of Adventure Divas was looking for a good marketing title and this is what sounded snappy.  I was also interested in how the author was going to find divas that were interested in changing the world.  Again, my bias against divas had them changing clothes, hair and their own minds, not changing in the world.

As I read the book, I came to believe even more strongly that the word diva was misplaced.  So many of the women represented in the page are strong, focused, fearless and compassionate.  To belittle their contributions and spirits by referring to them as divas makes no sense to me at all.  Since I've been thinking so much about beauty and virtue lately it wasn't a far reach for me to connect my feelings about beauty and virtue with my concern about the term diva.

As women, why aren't we powerful enough to stand up and say, "I am a woman." and let that be enough.  Why do we create labels for ourselves or allow others to label us in ways that negate part of who we are or misrepresent our nature?  There aren't enough labels in the world to cover all that a woman is.  Daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, mother, friend, lover, wife, teacher, boss, student....I could be that this all day.  We certainly don't need to take time to tack on negative labels or labels that are less than accurate.

So I reject the term diva and the idea that in order to change the world you have to be a special (not very nice) kind of woman.  I think this book, despite it's name and it's constant reference to that word (divalicious, really?!!!), supports my hypothesis.  The only thing that women need to be remarkable is an outward focus and a sense of passion.  I believe that women have an ability to see a need and fill it.  They have the empathy and perseverance to see a situation, feel what it must be like, determine to make it different and work relentlessly until it changes.  I also believe that millions of women are doing this each and every day on a scale that will never be in a book or part of a t.v. series. 

I also think that this book supported my belief that women very rarely are willing to admit their true majesty.  It may be that most women don't recognize it within themselves.  It may go back to the idea of modesty as a virtue.  It may be that women don't understand what is truly powerful.  Many women, perhaps even most women, believe that they just do what must be done.  What else is there?  Most of the very impressive women in this book hadn't chosen to seek recognition or prestige.  They'd simply done what needed to be done within their sphere of influence for the good of the people that mattered the most to them.  That is indeed following your passion.

I think the best thing about Adventure Divas is that it has sensitized me to the impact that doing what needs to be done each and every day can have on the world.  Even if my efforts aren't recognized in a book, getting up every day to educate my family, thinking, learning, praying and sharing, speaking about what's important to me, growing and stretching myself in new ways, paying attention to others, responding to the world with openness, fearlessness, compassion and intention, keeping an eye out for the passion in life,  these are the things that I do that change the world. 

How are you changing the world?

Where is the Value?

I've been thinking a lot about the implications of beauty in our society. My new Bible study was not the first tapping on my brain concerning this subject.  I'm also reading a book called Adventure Divas.  While I despise the name, it's made me think a lot about what I find to be of value in others.  I'll probably want to talk about it a bit more when I complete the book.  For now I just wanted to take a bit of space to explore my feelings and thoughts about beauty and virtue and how the two might meet.

The first section of my Bible study suggested redefining beauty and gave Proverbs 31 as a good definition of beauty for Christian women.  As I wrote yesterday, I'm not sure that really lowers the bar as much as it relocates it and perhaps even raises it.  I find it confusing and frustrating that beauty and virtue are in opposition with each other.  So often, beauty seems to be something you can have physically or spiritually but never both.  It's either presented as inner or outer but not a mixture of the two.  A woman who is truly virtuous can never be physically beautiful because that would mean that she wasn't concentrating enough effort on the spiritual but had fallen over into the sin and degradation of the physical.  It sounds so Victorian/Puritan/stuffy/antiquated yet doesn't it hold true today?

What is it about being physically pleasing that requires a judgement?  And how does the way a woman fixes her hair or what dress she puts on take away from her strength, courage, valor, merit, potency or chastity.  Now there are two contradictory ideas, potency and chastity.  How did those traits even end up in the same definition?  Perhaps virtue is not the same for men and women.  That seems to be the case in this definition.   However, I would argue that the right dress and a great haircut adds to a woman's strength, courage and potency in a physical and spiritual way. 

Looking at the other words in the definition of virtue, it's hard to understand why chastity made the list.  It seems like an afterthought, a word tacked on because the previous part of the definition was too frightening to transfer freely between men and women.  Men can be virtuous in this way: manly strength, courage, valor, merit, potency.  Those traits can't be counted as good in a woman yet she must be allowed to be virtuous somehow so a woman can be virtuous if she is chaste.  That really sets men and women at odds, don't you think?  A man is virtuous if he's potent and a woman is virtuous if she's chaste.  That poses a real problem.

I thought perhaps my difficulty with the idea of chastity might stem from a lack of understanding so I took a moment to find the definition of chastity and it was much as I thought until the second definition.  1 : the quality or state of being chaste: as a : abstention from unlawful sexual intercourse b : abstention from all sexual intercourse c : purity in conduct and intention d : restraint and simplicity in design or expression

2 : personal integrity
Personal integrity.   Now that's strong, courageous, brimming with valor, merit and potency.  Personal integrity is something worth getting excited about.  It's a place to camp and explore and live.  I'm not sure the people that tacked chastity onto the definition of virtue to give women something to which they can aspire would appreciate my excitement over personal integrity.  Really, personal integrity is much more inspiring than sexual abstinence.


I believe that personal integrity helps us choose what is beautiful.  Without personal integrity all beauty must be selected and approved by another.  With personal integrity we choose our own beauty.  Beauty gives pleasure to the senses or mind or spirit.  Don't courage, valor, merit and potency do the same?  Aren't those beautiful?  Again, chastity just doesn't fit the list.  It comes in and squelches all that is beautiful as effectively as a bucket of water.  It says no where all the others say yes and rush to action.  Personal integrity, on the other hand, becomes a complement to beauty requiring that one become sound, complete and honest in order to be virtuous and not just sexless. 

As a woman, the idea of virtue in the form of personal integrity brings beauty and virtue into perspective.  The dichotomy is erased and I am able to find beauty in virtue and virtue in beauty.  The two are reconciled and each is allowed to have value. Beauty and virtue as a dynamic duo embody all aspects of an individual by setting an internal standard rather than an external measure.  Individuals are free to decide what gives pleasure to the senses, mind and spirit and also is honest, complete and incorruptible.  Virtue and beauty together become something to live in rather than something to which one must aspire.  Value is not determined by another.  Value comes from what is sound, complete and honest and from what gives pleasure to the senses, mind and spirit. The bar is set.  It's a rigorous standard but clear and most certainly valuable.

All definitions were sited from:
Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary.

     Retrieved June 20, 2010, from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary

Defining Beauty

I mentioned earlier that I've started a new Bible study (5 Conversations You Must Have with Your Daughter by Vicki Courtney) and I'm still not sure how I feel about it.  I'm not one that quickly settles into new things.  I sit down and then push and prod, twist and turn, fidget and wriggle until I decide it's time to get up and leave or get busy.  Usually, I choose to get busy but it takes me awhile to settle.  I'm still in the fidgeting and wriggling stage with this study.

Right now, fidgeting and wriggling involves critiquing the aurthor's style, writing questions and comments in the margins of the book and thinking a lot about the things other than what the study is actually trying to discuss.  Fidgeting is usually a sign that there is learning to be had.  It often indicates that I'm feeling a stretch in my spirit or mind.  Usually the best response to a stretch like that is to settle in and get to work so I expect that's what I'll do.

I have finished the first week of the study and while I like Vicki's intention of replacing our worldly standards of beauty with Biblical standards, I'm not sure that really lowers the bar as much as it relocates it and perhaps even raises it.  Perfect physical beauty, I agree, is not the source of all peace and happiness.  First of all, it's too fleeting. Secondly, it's truly in the eye of the beholder.  Not good characteristics for lasting joy.  But Biblical beauty is so much more than just what you see and can, ideally, lead to lasting joy.

Vicki uses Proverbs 31:10-31 as her model for God's standard of beauty.  Then she presents the task; as you think about God's standard, list five women you know who are truly beautiful.  Now, I know some pretty incredible women.  Many who have a heart for God and for others.  Many who are amazing mothers,sisters, daughters, wives, women but I'm not sure I know anyone that embodies the definition of beauty set out in Proberbs 31.  That woman had huge shoes and filling them seems more than daunting.  I'm not sure that comparing myself daily to Lady Proverbs is going to make me feel any more confident and capable than comparing myself to Jennifer Garner.  Either way I come up short.

Of course, it doesn't help that my inclination is to throw up my hands in helplessness and say, "If I'm being judged by standards beyond my control, how can I ever expect to make any progress toward beauty."  And that really is the sticking point for me.  There are so many things in this world that I consider to be beautiful.  Sunrises, sunsets, chocolate cheesecake, a perfect omelet, a wide variety of flowers, trees and animals, many views I've seen in many places around the world, my children, paintings and other art..W.  None of these beautiful things have to work to be beautiful, they just are.  So why is it that beauty, whether it be by the worldly or the Biblical standards,  requres so much effort?